Intimacy is typically thought of in emotional or physical/sexual aspects. However, physical intimacy also exists in a non-sexual way. Most physical intimacy grows from an emotional relationship first (and usually best). The familiarity and personal relationship with my family or friends allows me to be in closer physical contact with them than with others. I will primarily address emotional intimacy in this journal.
I do not want nor do I have intimacy with just anyone, despite my general openness or expressiveness. I know a wide-range of people and as much as I love people, I only heavily invest and trust a few to intimately know me. The range of intimacy varies even with people I consider to know me very well.
In one way, I am intimate with my family. However, my family is also very autonomous and independent. We go about our own lives. Yet, intimacy allows acceptance and easy forgiveness, especially in our ill-tempered moments of personal behavior. Since my family knows me, I am accepted even when others might ostracize me for intolerant behavior. They stick by me. In addition, my family fails to communicate feelings. Thus rather than talking, anger sometimes results in childish behavior (doors slamming, shutting down, pouting, etc.).
Thus, God was not necessarily invested in every day life. He was present for the “big stuff,” yet apathetic and inattentive in my daily life. It was easy to put distance between us at times out of anger (God’s or mine).
However, God’s image differs. Even when my behavior does not warrant His affection, He pursues me investing in my daily life and never as distant as He may seem. I have never felt as wanted by anyone as I do by God. God ontologically and intimately knows me, as well as the things I have only spoken to Him.
I expect a level of acceptance from the Church. When I should misspeak or behave a bit brash, I hope for quick forgiveness and a delay in typifying or ostracizing me. I anticipate a basic level of knowledge from the church, but not deep levels of intimacy.
The church, however, poses dualistic characteristics of God—near yet far, interested yet bothered, hopeful yet disappointed. I was led in relationship then discipled in religious routine-- a deep, relational intimacy required a disciplined, formulaic approach. It was implied that I must pray more, read, study, memorize, serve, etc. -- more-- in order to garner deeper, deeper levels of intimacy.
Disciplines are good and valuable, but is intimacy a result of discipline or intentionality? Is there a difference? Nevertheless, spiritual disciplines have helped me develop deeper biblical, theological, and relational knowledge of God; yet, I do not know if it has truly ignited intimacy. Especially as I consider a ‘more’ formula has not worked in developing intimacy within other relationships. Is God’s image steeped in self-interest, in what ‘more’ I can do for Him? He wants all of me, yet more? If He has all of me, I have no more to give Him.
Nor does intimacy always takes place in working up deep, emotional expression. The depth of my relationship with God should not be measured by how often I shed tears, raise my hands, or say, “Praise the Lord.” I find value with God and friends in the gift to just “be,” and allowing them to also “be.”
Therefore, I expect deeper levels of intimacy with friends. The level of relationship sustains a few misspoken words or ill actions, but also works through personal challenges. We will not easily let each other slide with mediocrity, passiveness, or give up on each other when things do not quite go our way. My friends have shown me a greater image of God. He does not give up on you. He allows you to express yourself, and shows grace, love, patience, and mercy without sacrificing integrity and righteousness.
Intimacy seems to be discussed in linear and egocentric terms, but true intimacy is in each person knowing and trusting the other. It goes beyond my desire of really, truly being known and accepted, because my heart’s desire extends to really, truly knowing someone else as well.
I know I experience levels of intimacy, yet feelings are unsustainable. At times, I do not know what it looks like or how to achieve it, yet I have it. Thus, the truth is I do not understand what intimacy is ‘suppose’ to feel like. Some people have expressed feeling closer to me than I ever do with them. I have had close friends say they feel like they “really don’t know me.” What do they feel like they really need to know in order to accomplish that? I do not think that it can be accomplished in a statement or linear terms, but developed over-time as trust is built, experiences, feelings, and thoughts shared. Likewise, I do not expect to know everything about them. I have a close friend whom I have known since Junior High. I know her well, yet she still surprises me and I am continually getting to know her more.
Intimacy is a frightening dance. At times, I certainly hold off my relationships while cautiously moving forward or waiting to see if a friend is also moving closer or into a deeper level of intimacy with me as well. True intimacy requires the mutual engagement of both parties. It is a scary thing to invest oneself, especially after having suffered rejection or terrible hurt in intimate friendships.
Yet, God suffers hurt. God takes risk in loving. I think God sees intimacy as an immersion experience rather than linear. Like wading into a lake, He eventually wants all of me immersed in intimate relationship with Him. He does not violently rush in pasts my boundaries but nurtures me into a loving relationship as I move deeper with Him.
I can have intimacy with a very present, near God without always ‘feeling intimate.’ I can grow to know God more, but because He’s infinite I will never fully know God. My relationship with God helps me to know myself better and produces a greater ease in developing intimacy with Him and others.
Although there are moments where I feel inadequate, truly incapable, and frightened in developing intimacy, I deeply long for it and my relationship with God has spurred me on in developing intimacy with others and making real intimacy more feasible. I do not enter in relationships unwisely, but I hope I take the risk of offering a sincere and genuine heart filled with Christ’s love.
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