Super-Hero Humanity

This is the final journal entry in a series for a class taken in Spring 2007. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

My humanity has always posed a bit of a challenge. I have wished for super-human powers, but usually this is done out of selfish ambition versus the good of all humanity. I am not saying I would not serve humanity with my awesome powers. I am just thinking it would be nice to utilize my mental prowess or superhuman ability to shut the door or get something out of the refrigerator without physically getting up. Perhaps, the innate ability to ward off stains, and of course, set the world right wherever I go. Jesus does healings, miracles, and tosses out demons, but I never saw him utilize His heat-vision to warm a piece of toast. At times, I expect Superpower Jesus to superpower me.

I think most Christians have tortured themselves at some point with, “I’m not supposed to say that, think that, or act that. So, why did I? What if people really knew?” Knew what? -- That you are human? My goodness, I guess that would be a surprise.

It seems to me that we put a lot of undue pressure on ourselves towards perfection. I am highly guilty setting a high level of behavior for myself. I expect a level of perfection from myself, and as Christians, we begin to expect a high level/perfect behavior from each other. Churches really only tolerate a certain level or kind of behavior. Would I consider God ready to put some of us out as quickly as we are apt to do to each other? I think we are prone to do it quicker.

Occasionally, I am resentful of the way the Holy Spirit convicts me. I wonder why the Holy Spirit convicts me for a certain behavior, word, action, and yet, I see other Christians getting away with it. My response is not much better than a second graders, “How come they can do that, but I can’t?” Secretly, I want to get away with it, too. I also resent them for not trying to live to a higher standard of Christ-like obedience and behavior. (In honesty, my standard.) I perceive my actions would be different when at times they are very much the same. Yet, I do not think of God as being unfair, but just. It is my own difficulty with tolerance.

My favorite super-hero since I was young was Spiderman, because he was cool, had a quick wit, and wrestled with angst. In short, he was really human. Peter Parker was always wondering if he was doing the right thing. Inevitably, when he did the right thing, it would be misunderstood. As I have grown and become more Christ-like, I am still undoubtedly and ontologically imperfect. Now that I follow Christ, my life is much healthier and I make better choices, but I still mess up and am prone to the same mistakes. After seminary, I still will not be perfect or any closer to perfection. Yet, I will continue to grow and experience transformation.

God does not expect perfection. He desires obedience. It is easy to paint Jesus as stoic and far removed from His humanity. However, scripture attests to Jesus’ full humanity and divinity. Yet, we fail to identify Jesus’ humanity as being similar to our own. Our humanity, however, is not evil. (I know this may slam against some theologies. Oh well.) I think part of our transformation is being able to grasp or understand our humanity, yet, press into the divine.

The church often accepts the fact that we are human in the beginning of our walks. However, at some point, a subconscious expectation grasps us-- our transformation should involve perfection. We expect that we should become super-hero Christians. If I am unable to embrace my humanity then am I readily able to accept others in theirs?

In a similar conversation regarding this and change, a friend asked, “What do you need to change about yourself?” A few things popped into my head, and I shockingly realized that the things that popped into my head, were entirely human things. In essence, I wanted to change my humanity. After thinking for a moment, I answered that I did not know, but believed change was necessary to transformation in order for me to become more Christ-like. However, I do not think God made us human so that we would ‘work’ ourselves out of being human. Maybe becoming more Christ-like is simply lending more of our humanity to God.

I would rather give my all and fail in love, then succeed in pride. The benefit is I can guarantee that I will fail in love. In addition, Jesus in His humanity did give all; he did love all out, and took the risk in doing so. I am reminded that we measure success and failure quite differently then God, so I wonder if I can just trust God to work through my humanity.

The VIP Journal Entry

This is part of a journal entry series for a class taken in Spring 2007. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

I have overheard people say, “Oh, she/he is important.” Invariably, person is establishing the importance of the person based upon their role. Administrative and leadership roles infer greater prominence over technical or manual labor. “Important” tends to denote a greater value over others. In a Christian Worldview, is not each person equal before God? Some roles consider greater levels of responsibility. So, is that determinative of their importance, or, does society solely consider prestige, money, and power?

God’s image seems caught in the midst of favoritism, blessing those individuals and giving attention to those who are important enough to warrant it. The church also assigns greater levels of importance in its hierarchical structure. Jesus valued the widow who contributed the mite; the church values individuals who can help attain financial goals (buildings, etc.) and fill certain roles. Our value, identity, and roles intertwine.

There was a period, a six-year transition, where people asked me what I was currently doing. I was compelled to tell them, “Nothing.” At the basic level, I was being obedient to God, but even people in the church had difficulty believing that I was doing ‘nothing.’ I had to be doing something. In addition, it messed with my own sense of value and identity.

Even recently, I took a rank reduction in order to be an Air Force Chaplain Candidate. Last summer, I was surprised at how much this affected me. By my uniform/rank, I looked like I had no experience, and some conversations reflected a lower level of respect. The authority and respect of my position and experience were gone, but I was still the same person who warranted those qualities. And don't we all, as individuals uniquely created and gifted by God and endowed by a variety of experiences, warrant a level of respect?

I wrestled with it, and God reminded of the necessity of me to learn people’s stories. I could place judgments of value, usually done unconsciously, on people based upon their rank, position, and title. It is easy for that to happen, since even my identity is enmeshed with my role/activity.

Even as I consider Biblical characters and positions, I sometimes assign greater value to different individuals. This really does an injustice to God’s character, portraying him as someone who really cares about what we can do for him. In any role, whether simple or complicated, God desires relationship.

A relationship centered on Him and defined by love, worship, and obedience. God is not interested in my role, but in who I am as a person. I think God hopes that I will also be interested in who He is and others are. That I will continually recognize the value and importance of people as who He has created and called them to be, not on what the world or I may consider important.

Word Jumbalaya (Communication)

This is part of a journal entry series for a class taken in Spring 2007. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

It is amazing how much communication occurs verbally and non-verbally, as well as occurrences of cultural styles. Good communication aids in resolving, avoiding, and navigating conflict. Yet, communication is difficult at times, because the existing tendency is to focus on speaking. Communication style, specifically speaking or writing, sketches a portrait of the speaker/author, enabling persuasion and thought articulation. Little focus exists on listening or asking questions as a part of communication.

I forget at times to be present in a conversation, to devote my attention to the other person, because of my preoccupation or formulating what I might say next. However, recent years, I have practiced active listening skills and asking questions. It has never come natural for me to ask an abundance of questions, but I find value in both processes. Each are an incomplete learning process.

My own and other people’s communication flaws are placed on to God. Is he really listening to me? Is God just simply avoiding answering me because he does not know? Or does He overwhelm me with an abundant of answers telling me exactly what is wrong with my life and what I need to do to fix it versus simply listening? Is what I have to say less valuable, because I am less valuable? Is my style of communication perceived one way, because of my background: social, ethnic, culture and gender?

I do not believe these things at a foundational level, but I am surprised that these ideas occasionally creep in. I wonder if at times when God feels silent, if He is really just listening intently. Things seem vague at times. Where questions lack welcome in church or other settings, God is just waiting for me to ask Him.

I like to think my communication style is fairly straight-forward, and occasionally, expressive. I can be a little brash. I admit there are times where I am still formulating or processing my thoughts as I am speaking. This bothers me mostly when I manage to say something incredibly stupid which unfortunately happens more often then I like.

Other times, I have an abundance of thoughts that I wish to communicate and tend to overload others. I especially welcome clarifying questions here, but find that they rarely occur or sometimes wonder if people heard me. I hate it when I say something and it is not received, until 5 minutes later someone says the same thing and it is received. I wonder is that a difference in the style of communication or the difference in the person saying it. I also have a habit of asking questions rhetorically to raise an issue, invoke thinking, or make a point thinking.

It is valuable to be able to implement or be able to vary the communication style based on the audience. God seems to be very astute in tailoring the communication for impact and to the person, He is specifically addressing.

However, there are instances in pastoral messages where I feel that the interest is not to honestly communicate truth and to allow transformation through that, but in a manipulative, subversive way, it is an attempt to play on my emotions. I do not think God’s communication invokes manipulation. Christians also have their own jargon, and I am challenged to consider how this effects communication with others outside Christian-ese.

My challenge is communicating effectively (both speaking and listening), in grace and truth, in a way that glorifies God and values others. I believe God listens intently and speaks honestly and personally revealing Himself, encouraging or challenging us. However, Jesus’ words were not always received or understood, then and now, and He is a creator of communication. So I think it is safe to say that I will not always be understood nor understand, but communication, like relationships, can continue to be developed as I attempt to love others in our humanity and for transformation in Christ.

Shame

This is part of a journal entry series for a class taken in Spring 2007. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

“Sin hath the devil for its father, shame for its companion, and death for its wages” -Thomas Watson

I think a thin line of difference exists between shame and guilt. Both seem to feed off each other; yet, shame can grow out of guilt or be placed on someone regardless of their guilt. Shame can develop in a victim of hurtful and abusive circumstances or in cases of torture. Furthermore, shame-based cultures exist. Shame seems to be a part of human socialization in all societies.

I understand the relevancy of conviction as experiencing guilt or shame for something we have done wrong. The fear of shame and guilt has prodded my conscience in critical moments enabling me to do the right, and often more challenging, thing. However, shame invokes a much deeper, defeated image. A person experiencing an abundance of shame cannot realize the blessing of their humanity nor the abundance of a life lived through the truth of bearing God’s image.

My Catholic past may have invoked guilt sometimes reminding me of God’s standards, but it also allowed me to live in my humanity and provided me with the means to release guilt through confession. The expectation was not Tara, perfect, sinless, super-human, but Tara, human being becoming more like Jesus, filled with successes and failures. Sin would enter my life, guaranteed, but sin and shame did not, and shall not, define my life.

Thus, I typically experience two levels of shame centered on one ideal: perfection. First, a self-generated shame provoked out of an emotional response: my disappointment in myself, and further, a feeling that I disappointed God. My image of God was a stern face, crossed-armed God standing over me, unhappy unless I felt ‘bad’ enough. He certainly would not forgive me until then, and even so, would begrudge me for the next time. Anything less then perfect was unacceptable. Now God’s image captures a ready extension of grace, love, forgiveness, but self-forgiveness is still a process for me. I think I demand more from me than God does.

Second, the church generates shame, because of a lack of acceptance (not of my sin or guilt), but in essence- me. The church reconstitutes disappointed, stern God while pronouncing the opposite. We assert the value of authenticity, vulnerability, and our admission as failed human beings. Yet, there seems to be little tolerance for failure and almost a meter of image control at its basis. In our guilt, we experience shame and realize “I can not tell them that. I should not be wrestling with this. This is not suppose to happen to me. What if they found that out about me?”

We become afraid to confess our sins to one another, because we are afraid of shame. Yet, confession is the very thing we need to do in order to escape the effects of shame. I have a favorite saying, “Only nasty things grow in the dark.” Consider pastors and leaders who have experienced moral and personal failures. They most likely felt the weight of perfection, knew their guilt, yet in a sense of shame, they could not confess their sins, because they were afraid of greater shame. Shame seems to operate like fire. The more you feed it, the more it consumes.

In my own life, I have realized if I truly believe there is no condemnation in Christ, I must readily own my mistakes, not with guilt, shame, or in self-defeat, but with humility, recognizing the freedom and power of the Christ’s cross and resurrection. I am alert to the moments when I feel that I cannot be myself or speak of my failures, because of what people might think. In these moments, I muster my strength and courage to move in the opposite spirit and confess. Image control generates shame, because we believe that we are disappointing, unacceptable, and insufficient as the human beings we are.

Yet, a gracious, perfect God delights, accepts, equips and loves me in ALL my imperfection and mess. He sees beauty in my humanity, and modeled grace perfected in my weaknesses. If He can accept me in the midst of my failures, should I not be willing to accept others in theirs?

Everybody Polka!

This is part of a journal entry series for a class taken in Spring 2007. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

I love traveling, living amongst and studying other cultures (my undergrad minor). Culture is hard to define since just about everything we do, say, or think reflects or builds into culture. It maintains a certain foundation, yet is composed of sub-culture and shifts. As I write this entry, I will primarily speak from the cultural perspective that has influenced me the most (white, mid-class, strong Austrian influence, small town Midwesterner). Yet, I will also attempt to consider a wider cultural net.

Cultures are a beautiful thing. God created a multitude of cultures as He scattered people throughout the world, and gave them a variety of languages, yet preserving our humanity within culture. As I think about culture, it is easy to compare positive and frustrating experiences. However, I do this completely from my cultural standpoint. If my reaction to something is abhorrent, I must examine why I think that. Would God be abhorred?

Unfortunately, the church is still trying to understand Christianity cross-culturally. In the past, most missions meant imposing a cultural footprint upon those who accepted Christ. To accept Christ also meant, “Ok, now you have to become like us.” (Without ever really being able to do so, and maybe, even adopt some self-loathing. Repent that you’re Black, Hispanic, Asian, Poor, a Woman, etc.)

When I consider that someone must be like me, worship in my manner, and adopt the same cultural values, then God’s image becomes a white, mid-class, small town Midwesterner. A superiority is created, God values my culture, not yours. You must participate in Polka Mass to be acceptable. Equality in Christ becomes second to culture, class and race.

Missionary work has certainly taken strides away from the image of Spanish Conquistadors. However, the danger still lurks, because the majority of my formative church experience and influences are centered in this culture. I am forced to consider, “Is this the way it is suppose to be done, because that is what Christ desired or because that is the way the church does it?” This is evident at times in cross-cultural communion— is it not communion if you use mango juice and saltines? Or even issues of alcohol— American churches disagree on this issue, and culture complicates its consideration— is part of accepting Jesus to completely abstain? Must I be circumcised?

Up until this moment I considered God working very counter-cultural. I certainly think that God from the beginning has had a radical plan as to what culture and community looks like. He also moved very counter-cultural regarding socio-political and religious system (i.e., no poor among you, God as King). He desired to shape Israel as a nation of blessing, a nation to impact, and draw others to the one and only true God.

God also worked very much within the Jewish culture. Jesus came as a Jewish male to impact the Jews first and then the world. He also did things that were not culturally kosher: healing and talking to Gentiles, interacting with women, children, tax collectors and a general collection of sinners. All of this may have been counter-cultural, but I picture Jesus more as redefining culture especially considering the church in the early beginnings (Acts). Redefining not only who the people of God were, but also how the people of God truly lived in relationship with Him and one another. God did not come to abolish culture— he created it and embraces its diverse magnitude.

Even within our overarching American culture, I must consider what it truly means to live as the people of God. A polka mass is not a necessity to accepting Jesus or determining your eternal standing. How do I help redefine culture in my actions? Does being counter-cultural mean I must force everyone to do Christianity like I do? I grew up Catholic, stepped away from God, and after college, once again became a (Protestant) Christian. Although, I have been a Christian for 10 years, there are many things I do not understand about Church-culture. At times, this puts me culturally outside, but should there be inside and outside in Christianity? Is this the redefinition that God is calling us to— creating a culture where diversity is accepted, but lines of inside and outside are erased?

There are certainly aspects of all cultures that could surrender to God’s holy sovereignty; however, God does not expect or desire one big homogeneous, ‘white-washed’Publish Post polka-dancing blob. (Nothing wrong with a good Polka though!) Therefore, I must also be willing to embrace a variety of people, and be culturally aware considering our similarities and our differences. It is interacting with others that my image of God is tested and expanded. I must consider God a part of, yet, beyond my cultural parameters and social demographics.

Do you really want to know me?

This is part of a journal entry series for a class taken in Spring 2007. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

Intimacy is typically thought of in emotional or physical/sexual aspects. However, physical intimacy also exists in a non-sexual way. Most physical intimacy grows from an emotional relationship first (and usually best). The familiarity and personal relationship with my family or friends allows me to be in closer physical contact with them than with others. I will primarily address emotional intimacy in this journal.

I do not want nor do I have intimacy with just anyone, despite my general openness or expressiveness. I know a wide-range of people and as much as I love people, I only heavily invest and trust a few to intimately know me. The range of intimacy varies even with people I consider to know me very well.

In one way, I am intimate with my family. However, my family is also very autonomous and independent. We go about our own lives. Yet, intimacy allows acceptance and easy forgiveness, especially in our ill-tempered moments of personal behavior. Since my family knows me, I am accepted even when others might ostracize me for intolerant behavior. They stick by me. In addition, my family fails to communicate feelings. Thus rather than talking, anger sometimes results in childish behavior (doors slamming, shutting down, pouting, etc.).

Thus, God was not necessarily invested in every day life. He was present for the “big stuff,” yet apathetic and inattentive in my daily life. It was easy to put distance between us at times out of anger (God’s or mine).

However, God’s image differs. Even when my behavior does not warrant His affection, He pursues me investing in my daily life and never as distant as He may seem. I have never felt as wanted by anyone as I do by God. God ontologically and intimately knows me, as well as the things I have only spoken to Him.

I expect a level of acceptance from the Church. When I should misspeak or behave a bit brash, I hope for quick forgiveness and a delay in typifying or ostracizing me. I anticipate a basic level of knowledge from the church, but not deep levels of intimacy.

The church, however, poses dualistic characteristics of God—near yet far, interested yet bothered, hopeful yet disappointed. I was led in relationship then discipled in religious routine-- a deep, relational intimacy required a disciplined, formulaic approach. It was implied that I must pray more, read, study, memorize, serve, etc. -- more-- in order to garner deeper, deeper levels of intimacy.

Disciplines are good and valuable, but is intimacy a result of discipline or intentionality? Is there a difference? Nevertheless, spiritual disciplines have helped me develop deeper biblical, theological, and relational knowledge of God; yet, I do not know if it has truly ignited intimacy. Especially as I consider a ‘more’ formula has not worked in developing intimacy within other relationships. Is God’s image steeped in self-interest, in what ‘more’ I can do for Him? He wants all of me, yet more? If He has all of me, I have no more to give Him.

Nor does intimacy always takes place in working up deep, emotional expression. The depth of my relationship with God should not be measured by how often I shed tears, raise my hands, or say, “Praise the Lord.” I find value with God and friends in the gift to just “be,” and allowing them to also “be.”

Therefore, I expect deeper levels of intimacy with friends. The level of relationship sustains a few misspoken words or ill actions, but also works through personal challenges. We will not easily let each other slide with mediocrity, passiveness, or give up on each other when things do not quite go our way. My friends have shown me a greater image of God. He does not give up on you. He allows you to express yourself, and shows grace, love, patience, and mercy without sacrificing integrity and righteousness.

Intimacy seems to be discussed in linear and egocentric terms, but true intimacy is in each person knowing and trusting the other. It goes beyond my desire of really, truly being known and accepted, because my heart’s desire extends to really, truly knowing someone else as well.

I know I experience levels of intimacy, yet feelings are unsustainable. At times, I do not know what it looks like or how to achieve it, yet I have it. Thus, the truth is I do not understand what intimacy is ‘suppose’ to feel like. Some people have expressed feeling closer to me than I ever do with them. I have had close friends say they feel like they “really don’t know me.” What do they feel like they really need to know in order to accomplish that? I do not think that it can be accomplished in a statement or linear terms, but developed over-time as trust is built, experiences, feelings, and thoughts shared. Likewise, I do not expect to know everything about them. I have a close friend whom I have known since Junior High. I know her well, yet she still surprises me and I am continually getting to know her more.

Intimacy is a frightening dance. At times, I certainly hold off my relationships while cautiously moving forward or waiting to see if a friend is also moving closer or into a deeper level of intimacy with me as well. True intimacy requires the mutual engagement of both parties. It is a scary thing to invest oneself, especially after having suffered rejection or terrible hurt in intimate friendships.

Yet, God suffers hurt. God takes risk in loving. I think God sees intimacy as an immersion experience rather than linear. Like wading into a lake, He eventually wants all of me immersed in intimate relationship with Him. He does not violently rush in pasts my boundaries but nurtures me into a loving relationship as I move deeper with Him.

I can have intimacy with a very present, near God without always ‘feeling intimate.’ I can grow to know God more, but because He’s infinite I will never fully know God. My relationship with God helps me to know myself better and produces a greater ease in developing intimacy with Him and others.

Although there are moments where I feel inadequate, truly incapable, and frightened in developing intimacy, I deeply long for it and my relationship with God has spurred me on in developing intimacy with others and making real intimacy more feasible. I do not enter in relationships unwisely, but I hope I take the risk of offering a sincere and genuine heart filled with Christ’s love.

What now? Gender.

This is part of a journal entry series for a class. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

Marginalized. Diminished. Less. Voiceless. Un-Godlike. Human-less. Love-less. Unvalued. Sinful. Woman. Typically, this is the image the church tries to cast of women. This image is not typically spoken, but most often acted out in subversive attitudes. Likewise, words like ‘egalitarian’ are sometimes used with little weight or action behind definition. Unfortunately, this image and these attitudes are a disservice to God, church, and the world.

Being engendered a female from conception; I have faced gender issues from the moment of birth. Culture has attempted to school me in what is appropriate feminine behavior. Scandalously, I have also been “me” from conception as well. My identity is not centered on my gender, but who I am as God has created me. Gender just happens to be one component. It is not the fullness of me.

Typically in the past, I have been quick to dismiss this issue of gender, because I have held an apathetic view towards it. I would move in the things I wanted to. If you knew me, you would let me. If you did not know me, well, that was just too bad, because it would not stop me. Beyond locating the appropriate restroom (which I have occasionally failed at), I did not consider it a large issue in my life. Before I was a Christian, I believed in an equal lifting of both men and women. Sexist, diminishing jokes about men disturb me as much as they do about women.

However, surprisingly, it is the Church, which has thrust me in to truly considering how I view gender. It is the Church (male and female) that has seriously disappointed and enrages me regarding the way gender is approached. There is an atmosphere of elitism. As a woman, in my expression of frustration, I will be labeled, dismissed, and/or patronized. On rare occasion, I may be understood, or shockingly, accepted. Seminary has forced my frustration to the forefront. Mostly because I have witnessed my brilliant and Christ-like sisters feeling silenced and diminished. It disgusts me.

The gender issue, specifically female leadership, was raised shortly after I became a Christian. Controversy ensued in our church, and a dialogue was initiated, which I thought very helpful. Both men and women I held in respect and admiration landed on either side of this gender issue. (Perhaps some would consider it an issue of interpretation, either way it is still enmeshed in gender.) I was shocked and confused that the church would have such an issue. It did not reflect the image of God I held.

Furthermore, I was beginning my second year as a Platoon Leader in the Army National Guard. I was one of the first female leaders assigned to a combat unit in Wisconsin. My platoon consisted of approximately forty male soldiers of varying ages. My leadership and skills were readily accepted and established a level of respect. Individuals who did not view me in ‘God’s context’ accepted me. Yet, the Church seemingly told me that the image of God I bore was not acceptable, in who I was or to do what God had created me to do— to lead. (Or acceptable only in certain context.)

I prayerfully wrestled and journal-ed on the issue, asking God to make (His) will clear to me, and obediently, I would submit to it. Two contradictory images of God were before me, and my wrestling was engrained here.

1. God created me, gifted me, and then limited me. (He) gave me legs, chained them tight, and then told me to run. (He) was decidedly male, and although, I supposedly was created in (His) image, I was not allowed to participate in it or only selected portions of it. He would call me, send me then slam the door in my face.

My gut response was to rip apart my Bible and keep only the portions that specifically addressed women, because the rest of it was inapplicable to me. God was being defined in male and female terms, and only masculinity was acceptable. When faced with that same God image today, I could easily abandon this faith, because Christianity would be a farce to me. Jesus called us to humble and submit ourselves, love each other, and defend the marginalized, and yet, the church marginalizes, shallowly loves, and only requires a certain group of people to submit.

2. God created me, gifted me, and accepted me. People judge by the outside appearance, but God judges the heart. (He) was more concerned with my heart. (He) was not surprised that I was a woman. He created me with purpose and intention. God was neither male nor female. This God most accurately reflected everything I knew about His character and the Bible as a whole.

God has not called us to live in the confines of Genesis 3, so why are we content to? He desires to restore all our relationships (with Him and with each other) to a pre-fall condition. My intent is not to slight others or the lifestyle of who God has created them to be. Nor am I asking for androgyny. Simply my intent is a fuller unity of the Church in accepting equally all its members in God’s image.

Since God has me in this, my current wrestling is what to do? How do I help the marginalized (gender, class, race, etc.)? How do I respond as Jesus would? As I continue to move in what God has called me, I will continue to encounter this issue, and I am challenged to see God’s image in others, accept and love them. My expression of who I am, the gifting, talent, and personality I possess, matched with the equality that I seek is not an attempt to diminish men or women, but a desire for us to see a much fuller image of God and live with each other in view of God’s grace and love.

Sexuality

This is part of a journal entry series for a class. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

Four subjects you should never talk about: religion, politics, money and sex. In fact, do not even speak about sex in anything above a whisper, and avoid saying it whenever possible. Whether implicitly stated or not, this reflected a cultural/societal attitude. We learned more about ‘our changing bodies’ and sex from school films, peers (rarely respectfully), and astute observation than we did from parents or the church. Was God even aware that sex existed? Is it just something I am not supposed to do or even think about?

Having grown up on a Dairy Farm, I was aware of sexual dynamics a bull, a cow, heat, crazed looks, the act, pregnancy, and voila~ baby calf (which a male calf was usually castrated). It all seemed pretty scientific, and honestly, a little painful. God, does sex make us crazed, obsessed, and maybe, a little stupid? Does it lead to pain? Our consciousness certainly makes us different than animals.

Sexuality came to the forefront in my university years: I was in the theater! In High School, the closest contact I had with homosexuality was reading Walt Whitman. Here I was confronted with homosexual men and women. My freshman year I was at a theater party, a guy and girl literally had me cornered, back to the wall, and started asking if I liked girls or guys. Almost hyper-ventilating, I was quick on my reply, “Guys, I like guys.” Ah…. God, care to explain this? Gay, lesbian, bi—what? Heck, their people, whatever, just not my thing.

I still do not know entirely what to make of homosexuality. However, I dislike the hateful way the Church treats individuals within that lifestyle. Is it a lifestyle? Are people born homosexual, or is it a combination of both? Does God create people that way? Or maybe it is like a disability, a genetic flaw. I have difficulty equating it simply to a ‘disability,’ mostly because of the value society assigns to the disabled. Straight, gay, disabled, or not – why are we so likely to devalue one in valuing the other? I do not think God desires to create people homosexual anymore than He desires for them to be disabled, but this does not negate their value as humans.

Other questions arise out of various church traditions: Are women temptresses? Are men out of control? Is God tempting us to be out of control? Why does sexuality put us at such odds with one another? Is sex what needs to happen not necessarily because you love someone, but because you need to be loved?

I do not think God meant it to be used as an exercise of power between the sexes. Yet in the degradation of each gender, I feel violated, because it fails to recognize the value we each have as created male and female in the image of God. Nor are can I accept that men and women are simply sex-crazed beings out of control. However, sex beyond God’s context (marriage/love) has brought physical, emotional, and psychological pain into people’s lives.

The Bible makes it clear that God created sex/sexuality as a good thing. Adam and Eve are told to be fruitful and multiply, but combating a sterile, duty perspective, Song of Songs also provides an image of a love-struck, passionate sexual relationship. Some people argue that Eve out of her sexuality tempted Adam, and Adam, in the weakness of his sexuality, fell for it, but I think that interpretation (besides inaccurate) slights God, and fails to recognize our desire as humanity to make ourselves like God.

I do not believe Yahweh-God is a sexual being (especially as we compare Him to the Greco-Roman Gods), but He created sex as a wedding gift not only for procreation, but also for pleasure. There is a growing church trend to address sex and sexuality from a Biblical perspective. Sex is prevalent in our society, because God created us as sexual beings. Yahweh is not afraid of us talking about sex.

It is through my relationship with Christ that I have been able to come to a much healthier understanding of sexuality as God has created it. In understanding sexuality within God’s context, the subject can be broached with purity and not a sense of speaking a dirty language.

Conflict

This is part of a journal entry series for a class. Topics are addressed along with our image of God-- how the topic affects our image of God, how our image of God affects our life.

“Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”
--William James, American Psychologist and Philosopher

The inevitable, conflict typically occurs in the midst of relationships. It can either be avoided or engaged. Conflict involves people attempting to navigate the perilous points of relationships, which is difficult. Our human tendency to avoid conflict can actually result in greater conflict versus addressing issues upfront as they arise. I generally try to approach conflict by facing it, because I do not mind conflict.
Just because I do not typically avoid conflict, however, does not mean I seek it like caffeine junkies hunt out their roasted blend. I think my view of conflict is pretty positive. You want change, transformation, improvement— you will have conflict. When properly understood and handled, conflict can be a happy thing. I know that sounds oxymoronic, but it can result in deeper relationships and personal transformation (for everyone involved). Conflict can be a loving action.
Thus, my image of God captures Him in the midst of conflict. He did not avoid conflict. He questioned Adam and Eve in the Garden. He set the boundaries. Repeatedly, he sent prophets to Israel and called them to repent. The Prophets were continually immersed in conflict! Job desires to state his case before God. Although, we do not hear God’s voice until the last chapter (excluding the prologue), God is not avoiding Job. Simply, He is sovereign and does not need to explain Himself to Job.
We also see Jesus in conflict with others at times: demons, Pharisees/Sadducees, temple merchants, Disciples, and himself. His conflicts ranged from start to small to large to finish. Jesus warns his disciples that there will be conflict. Conflict is pictured throughout the Bible finally arriving at force in Revelations. Conflict is inevitable for God as well, because it is in the midst of relationship— rebellious angels and fallen humanity.
So why would I think that I am any less immune? Thus, I need to respond like Jesus. One of my favorite examples is Jesus calling the religious leaders a “brood of vipers.” A great desire exists within me to call “a spade, a spade,” and “a jerk, a jerk.” Recognizably, this is necessary at times.
However, this is also the trap of my humanity and demonstrates a necessity for conflict to be navigated with discernment, wisdom and compassion. Within the midst of conflict, Jesus loved people. Sometimes, I would rather tie a millstone around their necks.
Yet, conflict is necessary because it involves saying difficult things and brings conviction. The Holy Spirit brings conflict into my life, out of grace, love, and truth. Our triune God invokes conflict for our benefit: transforming our relationships, making us Holy, and shaping our lives to be like Jesus. He does not avoid conflict or writes us off in the midst of it, but embraces us with the security of a relationship in spite of conflict.
Jesus experienced conflict at the Garden, but offered his life in obedience. I feel compelled to do the same while acknowledging conflict is formative, yet difficult. However, I must be careful not to put myself in the seat of divinity. Sometimes immediate or positive results are unrealized. Thus, it needs to be tempered with truth and love. In addressing conflict, it is easy for me to sit in God’s divinity rather than exist in the corpus of God’s humanity.
I prefer bringing conflict versus receiving conflict. Receiving it reminds me of my imperfection. However, I would rather have conflict and deeper relationships than the abandonment of avoidance. It forces me to address what is wrong in my lives, and to journey with others. In essence, I am okay with conflict, and God is okay with conflict. God uses conflict to bring transformation and tempers it with truth and love. He is doing that in my life and teaching me to do the same.

The Father

This is the third and final of three posted reflections (a class assignment) regarding my experience as the Younger Son, the Elder Son, and the Father based on a reading of Henri Nouwen's "Return of the Prodigal Son." The post was written specifically in response to the book. For a frame of reference, I would encourage reading the book.

Any references are to this source and page numbers can be found at the bottom. This posts may not be reproduced in anyway, whole or part, without written approval of author as per copyright law. Thank you.

Click here to read some versions of the Story of the Prodigal Son.

Click here to see the Nouwen's book at Amazon.Com.

Click here to see Rembrandt's painting: The Return of the Prodigal Son.

The Father

I am becoming the Father. As I return to my Father’s home, God’s grace and love embraces me so that I can accept the freedom and identity He has for me. Furthermore, He transforms me to become more like Him. Within my humanity, I want to be like the Father, and extend compassion, forgiveness and grace just as He does. Recently, God has revealed to me an expanded perspective regarding the cost of doing this.

This past fall, as I was driving, I conversed with God. As I prayed, He prompted me asking, “Tara, what is it that you really want?” After briefly thinking about it, I answered that I wanted to be like Jesus, to love like Jesus does. The next words that God spoke unveiled my hidden heart to me, “Is that because you think it won’t hurt as much?” I started to weep. Within one moment God revealed a false desire—that if I could love perfectly like Jesus somehow I would be able to love without the risk of hurt or rejection.

In that moment of truth, I answered God back honestly confessing what had been revealed to me. In love, Jesus faced rejection, hurt, and suffering. He risks His heart. My response to God was that I still wanted to be like Jesus, to love like He does, and that I would know Him in His suffering. I pray God gives me the courage. Unfortunately, love involves risk, danger. Risk is one reason why love stories are so compelling. It is how God has captured us with His grace. In loving, we face the risk of rejection. I am not one to back away from risk or danger.

As Nouwen expressed, becoming the Father is a difficult thing to do, because I am still in varying degrees of the sons. My heart is not impenetrable. I have suffered rejection in my friendships. In exploring this, I do not think I have been unwise or foolishly exposed myself to rejection, but have moved within God’s perspective of love. However, my personal impulse is to protect myself at all cost to abandon ‘Fatherhood,’ and simply become a ‘son’ again.

Nouwen suggests that there are three necessary ways to become like the Father: grief, forgiveness, and generosity. These are also three ways I identify with the Father. Similar to the Father, I grieve over this because so many people are neither free to love or receive love. In this condition, they will never know the fullness of God. It is an awful world we live in when people are unable to accept love as God desires through His Son and through other people. So many people are uncertain that they are loved and accepted for themselves, because the hurt they have experienced has left them broken. Myself included at times.

My forgiveness is quickly extended against small offenses, but more difficult to practice against hurtful circumstances or to apply for myself. As I desire to move in God’s unconditional forgiveness, the discipline requires a daily practice of self-surrender. In order to forgive like God, I must be willing to submit myself to God and release a need for justification. My self-seeking heart must seek Him.

Generosity requires the external showing of the internal aspects of grief and forgiveness. I desire to be generous with myself— my love, my friendship, my forgiveness, my service. My arms want to be extended outwards to welcome those who need to experience God’s love. The greatest challenge I face is the impossibility of me accomplishing this myself. God needs to work the consistency of love in my life so that I can truly claim the authority of his compassion in my life. I have to patiently receive what God offers me and dwell in His house so that I can become like Him.

The Elder Son

This is the second of three posted reflections (a class assignment) regarding my experience as the Younger Son, the Elder Son, and the Father based on a reading of Henri Nouwen's "Return of the Prodigal Son." The post was written specifically in response to the book. For a frame of reference, I would encourage reading the book.

Any references are to this source and page numbers can be found at the bottom. This posts may not be reproduced in anyway, whole or part, without written approval of author as per copyright law. Thank you.

Click here to read some versions of the Story of the Prodigal Son.

Click here to see the Nouwen's book at Amazon.Com.

Click here to see Rembrandt's painting: The Return of the Prodigal Son.

The Elder Son

I am the “Elder Son.” At times, my identity is interwoven with the characteristics that so readily possess him. Anger, resentment and envy rush forth when others, more irresponsible, receive rewards that they do not deserve. After all my efforts to be “good, acceptable, likeable, and a worthy example of others,” I am plagued with the question of purpose and impact.[1] Does it really matter and for what purpose. It feels unjust that others receive so freely and easily.

Like the psalmist, I am prone to ask, “Why do the wicked prosper?” However, my question is probably better phrased, “Why don’t I prosper?” In regards to my relationships, I have especially tried to live rightly. Of course, this is where I feel the greatest sting. In the same regards as the Elder Son, I secretly long for significance and love while trying on my own to attain it. A desire for someone to exercise the same care and consideration towards me, which I wholeheartedly attempt to live out towards others. In that vain wish, I live trapped in the darkness of my heart. Just as the Elder Son steamed and brewed his own vain desire into a dark, thick resentment.

Honestly, the resentful burden is not necessarily due to others receiving or even a lack of recognition or rewards. The weight is due primarily to my own over-achieving perfectionism. The work and the dedication of attempting to receive attention, affection and recognition is the bondage of my heart. As I strive to attain these, out of my own self-righteousness I fail to receive them. What I thought would bring me life ushers in greater degrees of death as I attempt to earn what is freely given without my strife. Once again, I find that I have wandered away from the home of God’s heart.

My heart becomes suspect of the love I have not received, because I think that love should look or feel a certain way based on my efforts to attain it. I begin to live in the pathology of darkness: every move requiring a counter-move, every gesture- evaluation, every remark- analysis.[2] As Nouwen expressed, “There is the fear that I am excluded again.” [3] Having experienced exclusion, I fall victim to this fear. I can visualize a spiral of self-rejection, and rejection in my own life. My strife was always to become something better than I was, because who I was did not seem acceptable enough. Out of my own self-rejection it was easy to perceive that others would reject me as well. Thus, it would lead to what I most feared (and still do), further rejection. [4] Rather than my Father’s house, I occasionally dwell in insecurity feeling unaccepted, disliked, and unloved.

My joy stolen by my own resentfulness, I am faced with receiving what I did not deserve: God’s unconditional love, mercy, kindness, and grace. Still prone to the resentfulness of my heart, God works in me, developing a sense of gratitude. I can celebrate with those who have received knowing that does not diminish my identity or the Father’s love for me. I must be willing to receive the love He so readily gives if I want to experience freedom.

In order to be my true self, free to give and receive love, I must let go, surrender and trust God expressing my gratitude as I exercise a challenging, counter-intuitive, leap of faith. “The leap of faith always means loving without expecting to be loved in return, giving without wanting to receive, inviting without hoping to be invited, holding without asking to be held.”[5]

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[1] Nouwen, Henri. The Return of the Prodigal Son. (New York: Doubleday.) 1992; 71.

[2] Ibid, Page 82.

[3] Ibid, Page 73.

[4] Ibid, Page 73.

[5] Ibid, Page 86.

The Younger Son

This is the first of three posted reflections (a class assignment) regarding my experience as the Younger Son, the Elder Son, and the Father based on a reading of Henri Nouwen's "Return of the Prodigal Son." The post was written specifically in response to the book. For a frame of reference, I would encourage reading the book.

Any references are to this source and page numbers can be found at the bottom. This posts may not be reproduced in anyway, whole or part, without written approval of author as per copyright law. Thank you.

Click here to read some versions of the Story of the Prodigal Son.

Click here to see the Nouwen's book at Amazon.Com.

Click here to see Rembrandt's painting: The Return of the Prodigal Son.

The Younger Son

I am the ‘Younger Son.’ At times, my identity is interwoven with the characteristics that so readily possess him. Like the younger son, I am also ‘deaf to the voice of love’ unable to hear God speaking to me. ‘The hidden places of my inmost being’ is exactly where I desperately need to hear God speaking to me. I need to experience God’s love and truth the most here, because it is the places where I hold my darkest secrets, the ugliness of my heart, insecurities, and my self-lies. It is my hidden places that attempt to drown God’s voice and consume my outer life.

My hidden places suggest that I must be someone better and do something greater. I deny myself the love, grace and freedom I readily give to others, and that God desires to give to me. In loving freely and feeling that I had received love and favor, I have often been unexpectedly rejected. Although the rejection usually occurs out of the internal issues of my friends, it leaves me reeling, feeling failed and inadequate. As I ponder this aspect, I wonder when I ‘left home.’ Was it in the midst of these friendships or afterwards? Like Nouwen, was I simply drawn by a love-hungry heart?

A net of needs and wants quickly tangles me as well, and I no longer can discern my own motivations.[1] My heart becomes clouded and my mind constantly battles itself losing my inner freedom and increasing my paranoia, until I wonder if “anyone ever really loved me,” or if I am even capable of being/receiving love.

I’ve set myself up, dug myself a spiritual and emotion pit. There truly is nothing I can do, but to accept, surrender, and call out to my rescuer. I know that as I dig my pit, I need to stop. I am losing my deepest self, and yet, I seem incapable until I am at its bottom. My humility complete, God sweeps in. He has lowered Himself to pull me upwards to Him. He graciously holds me close so I can feel the love of His presence, quieting me, capturing me, and restoring me. Only the luminous beauty of God can combat my dark ugliness. God’s grace is always greater than my failings.

Thus, I am faced with total, absolute forgiveness. Forgiveness is a challenging principle to extend to others and accept for one self. Our human bent towards justification makes it more difficult to understand the abundance of grace and freedom when extended to us. Our minds can not calculate the immeasurable, undeserved grace and forgiveness God bestows upon the repentant. It is difficult to fathom that we did not nor can we earn it, but is freely given to those who weigh the costly sacrifice of Jesus Christ as their own atonement.

“One of the greatest challenges of spiritual life is to receive God’s forgiveness. Receiving forgiveness requires a total willingness to let God be God and do all the healing, restoring, and renewing.”[2] I need to release the things that lure me away from my Father’s home, embrace the forgiveness He so readily holds out to me, and surrender completely that I can receive the healing, restoration, and renewal He desires to work in my life. The only place that I can truly experience this is at the heart of my Father, my true home.

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[1] Nouwen, Henri. "Return of the Prodigal Son." Page 47

[2] Nouwen, Henri. "Return of the Prodigal Son." Page 53

Contemplating Heaven

I love contemplating what heaven will be like.... my thoughts this morning focused on my relationship with God. It's those moments when no one else is around, and something profound or profoundly humorous happens or occurs. Many times only God and I share that moment. It goes unexpressed to others, but God's presence is heavily felt, and in the moments of my humor and delight. I sense that He is also delighting.

I hope that when I get to Heaven, and I am surrounded by the unhindered, uninterrupted presence of God... that we will recall moments that only we shared. For this purpose, that I can see God actively delight in them as well. That His delight will become so much more my own.

I think God hopes that for us on earth. That His delight will become so much our own. That the very things He delights in, he hopes we will. Furthermore, I believe God takes part in filling us with joy. Unexpected surprises, moments that we love, things we experience and hope.

That's the beauty of a relationship of love, this sharing of joy and hoping to bring delight to the other person.

(I believe that a personal relationship is possible through God's one and only Son, Jesus the Christ.)